It's a dreary day again here in Carolina. I'm counting the days til Spring. A warm sunshiney day always makes me feel better automatically! I'm putting off the chores for awhile. Have feed the chickens, because if I don't, by 9 am at least one will make its way out of the fence..The rest can wait. I am in a mode of reflection. For some reason I think about death alot. I am not morbid so to speak, it just crosses my mind alot. Maybe someday I should become a Grief Counselor or something. I've certainly thought enough about it. It may have something to do with that dreadful night back in May 1970. My father had gone to a retirement dinner for a co-worker and was sporting a new Ford Ltd that he had recently purchased. We knew he was later than normal coming in, but, with mama saying nothing, I went onto bed as usual. Back in those days, 9pm was the max for a school night. A knock came to the door around midnite and I heard my mother breaking down. We were told that daddy had a car accident, hit a telephone pole and had died instantly. OMG! NO! He was 39 yrs old. And I was only 11. I loved my daddy so much and now he was gone..We went on with our lives as most folks do, but, it was never the same. I don't know what my mother was thinking when she decided to have him lay at rest in our living room instead of the funeral home, but, that holds dark memories for me. As I said, he had a head injury and the funeral home guys did not do a good job covering that up. I will never forget the moment I saw him lying there with obvious makeup on his face and dried blood in his hair. It was a frightening thing to have to endure, very much so at my age. I had to sleep in the same house with my deceased father in our living room for a couple of days. Oh well, the things people do..Tho it was totally acceptable back then, it wasn't to me..But I wasn't ask..
Move forward 15 yrs to 1985. I've been married now for 10 yrs, yep, married at 16. Fortunately I am still with my wonderful loving husband and it's now been 36 yrs this July.
At the time my two children were small, Lucas was 3 and Leah was 1. My only sibling, my brother, decided life was too hard, and committed suicide. I could NOT believe it! There were no "warning signs". He was a very smart hardworking fellow with a great sense of humor. His wife had left him and he couldn't go on without her. It was that simple. (or complicated, not sure which). My mother had lost half her mind when my dad passed. Now THIS! She will lose it for sure! And she did..We both did ..We were hurt and angry. My mother is now 80 yrs old and has never truly recovered. I was so mad at my sister in law for quite a few years, actually until she also passed away at the age of 40 with ovarian cancer. Even though my brother obviously made this decision all on his own..I was still mad ..at the both of them. What a selfish act! And my brother did not have a selfish bone in his body up until this point. The note he left said simply " Please Forgive Me". I'm not sure I have or ever will..It literally destroyed my mother. She's still alive at 80, but, she's not living. She gave up on that the day my brother took his life. Suicide not only takes the life of the taker, but also the lives of the family left behind are changed forever.
1994~ My dear sweet father in law who had in so many ways been like a father to me decided, life was too tough for him with kidney disease and facing daily dialysis, could barely walk with two knee replacements and battling diabetes, that he was going to refuse further treatment and leave it in God's hands. We all knew what that meant. In 7 days he was gone.
I miss him so much! We had such wonderful talks..He made me feel loved. Wish both my dads were here to share their wisdom and love with my now grown children and grandkids. That would be awesome. But, in life, we experience death. And I know it won't stop anytime soon. At least not until the day that I am singing now take ME home sweet jesus..
I'm only 53 yrs old and I have seen it all already when it comes to death. My own father, my brother, my father in law, my sister in law, aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, friends, friends of friends, young friends of my kids ages, young children, old folks, teenagers! Accidents, suicide, drugs, disease and even murder. The works! How do we deal in this life with death? I wish I knew...ya just do...RIP to all those we've lost..until we meet again..
On a brighter note..one sweet lady recently passed. She was an awesome woman. Only one way to describe Peggy and that is LOVE......For 80 yrs, she shared her love to everyone she met and no matter how hard it all got, she was still able to smile and say I love you...Priceless & Precious! She lived everyday to the fullest...Guess she REALLY understood Life and death...
No comments:
Post a Comment